• How to Say “No” Without feeling Guilty

You’re tired, ready to go to bed and the phone rings. It’s a friend who is out late and needs a ride home. This is not the first time. On a regular basis, your friend goes out, stays out late and is left without a ride back home. You are inconvenienced but don’t want to leave your friend in the lurch. So, you get out of bed, go and pick him up and take him home.
The specifics may be different, but you are consistently the “go to person” who can’t say “no” without feeling guilty.

Is it nearly impossible for you to say “no” to a person, no matter how unreasonable the request may be? Do you ever consider saying “no” to a person in need without feeling terrible afterwards? If so, you are more than likely to have a hard time balancing your needs with the needs of others. This does not mean you should focus only on your own needs, while disregarding the needs of others. What I am saying is to address your own needs as well as those of others.
People who can’t say “no” without feeling guilty can also feel frustrated, unheard and emotionally depleted. Usually, they are quick to respond to a person in need but have a terrible problem articulating what they need. This way of dealing with the world can be overwhelming. What is the origin of this type of behavior and how does one get off this merry-go-round that goes nowhere?

Let’s begin by taking a closer look at some of the possible causes.

1. You’re wired that way. During your growing up years, you learned that in order to be validated by others in the family, you needed to take on the role of pleasing others.
2. You have difficulties setting boundaries. Not recognizing or putting your needs on the backburner in favor of the other person.
3. You avoid conflict at all costs. It’s easier to be a “people pleaser” than have the other person be disappointed or upset with you.
4. You lack self-confidence. Saying “yes” when it is more appropriate to say “no” hides your insecurities about not feeling good enough.
6. Feeling lacking as compared to others. Feeling inferior to others results in thinking not entitled to having your needs met.
7. Not feeling entitled to have your needs met. Caring predominately for others avoids the fear of not being able to meet your own needs.

This list is not all-encompassing but can give you a sense of some of the struggles with saying “no”. Now let’s look at some of the ways you can be appropriately responsive to others while taking good care of yourself.

1. Begin to develop a sense of self-worth and self-respect. By communicating a sense of clear boundaries, you are doing just that.
2. Affirming every morning that your needs matter, and you are valuable worth being heard and validated.
3. You have a right to figure out who you are and not be ruled external pressures or internalized guilt.
4. Regularly be aware of the reaction in your gut, such as hesitations, doubts, or a subtle discomfort, before committing yourself to any request or demand.
5. Deflect or put off responding immediately. Get back to the person, even if it is a minute or two, to process the request.
6. Push through the discomfort of initially saying “no”. Changing a new behavior isn’t easy but practice makes perfect.
7. Offer an alternate solution, as opposed to immediately acquiescing. If alternates are resisted, make it clear the uncomfortable position you are being placed in.
8. Practice saying “no” in those low stakes’ situations. It can help in feeling comfortable with those baby steps, making it easier when faced with more challenging requests.
9. Regular exercise can help with good health, confidence and enhanced self-esteem.
10. Maintain a journal of gratitude. Write one thing a day about how you took charge of yourself.

You need to decide who oversees your life. Will it be you or the list of people out there who try to influence how they think you should be? Each day give yourself the gift of exercising your own free will.